I have been in a relationship with the same girl for 7 years, met when I was 22, she was 21. On this personal development journey of empowering all areas of my life, I've increased my income, my appearance, going to the gym etc over the last few years. Trying to become the best version of myself.
Fast forward to now, even with a very small social media presence/working out I find myself attracting "hot" girls. They'll react to my stories, talk to me in the DMs (not flirting but showing signs of interest) approach me in real life, etc. I don't respond by flirting or in any sexual manner and I keep things professional and polite.
I love my girlfriend a lot and when we met she was ambitious, worked out, business orientated and all the good stuff. As the years went on, she stopped working out, has gained quite a bit of weight (20kg) and isn't in my mind as ambitious as she once was. I've brought the exercise and weight issue to her a few times but it's only resulted in arguments, unsurprisingly.
Over the last few weeks especially the interest from other girls has, for whatever reason, greatly increased. I now find myself thinking about these other girls more and more. I know part of me is looking at the one sided fantasy that the grass is greener on the other side.
I feel somewhat resentful and disappointed towards my girlfriend and even slightly embarrassed by her because I see the potential in my girlfriend but she doesn't seem to want go change despite knowing that exercise has always been a big value of mine.
Any advice on what you would do?
Interesting question,
Here are a few thing to consider
Regarding the interest from other girls, that would only manifest if there was an increased interest on your part, if you were disinterested in them they wouldn’t catch your attention (not a value to you) and you wouldn’t "find yourself attracting them" (your unconscious behaviour toward them) as you put it above.
The more you resent your current Girlfriend the more you will infatuate with the fantasy of the other girls.
If you perceive yourself as the "overdog" in your relationship (more empowered in your perception) you will probably interact with these girls to sound them out and see if you can get a "better package" elsewhere (not very romantic, but this is human behaviour).
If you find a new girl that "ticks all of your boxes" and you perceive will help you to achieve your values more then your current partner then you will create a strategy to start hanging out with her more and if all goes well, maybe you have a new girlfriend.
You are projecting your values onto her re: exercise and this will usually create a resistance and push back from her, no one wants to be ‘changed’ or ‘fixed’. If exercise was a high value for her then she would be doing it already.
You have a few options:
1️⃣ Remember it’s not your Girlfriend that you resent it’s your perception of her in your mind (which is lopsided into resentment).
So the first option is to identify the traits/actions in her that you resent and do the Demartini Method on those traits, or we can work together on this one-to-one to balance your perception of her.
Find how those traits that you currently resent, benefit and serve you on your mission and also look at the drawbacks if she had displayed the opposite trait (the fantasy of how you prefer her to be).
When you shift your perception of her to a point where you love her for her (and not want her to change parts of her) the dynamic in the relationship will shift.
2️⃣ Another option is to be honest with her that you no longer find her attractive and you are thinking about other girls but want to stay with her. She can’t really get upset with you for this because if she is not helping you to achieve your values then it is unrealistic for her to expect you to stay with her. This puts everything onto the table and if she wants to continue the relationship then she will be open to linking each others values together (find how her values help you to achieve your values and vice-versa to recreate connection between the two of you).
3️⃣ Your other option is to keep doing what you are doing, having conversations with other girls and (consciously or unconsciously) looking for other potential partners.
Just know that with this option if you do leave your Girlfriend other people will take on the traits that you are currently resenting in her, so you won’t ‘get rid of’ those traits, you will just project them onto another person in your life.
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